Monday, 20 June 2011

FWB - Friends With Benefits!

Can a girl and a guy have a no strings attached/friends with benefits relationship without one or the other falling in love?!

For me, I am torn on this subject.
I think it can happen, as long as both partners understand that it is not a "normal" relationship. It needs to be fun and easy. No commitments. No pressures. It cannot happen often! I think the reason why FWB relationships don’t last is because some "couples" enjoy the sex, and do it too often, therefore confusing at least one party in the relationship into lust/love.

On the other hand, it sounds great in theory, but is it really possible to have a "successful" FWB relationship? Men and women are different when it comes to sex. A man is physically designed to have sex with no strings attached. A woman is designed to have sex selectively, which means she cannot have sex and detach — thanks to a little hormone called oxytocin (men have this hormone also, women are just more affected by it). This is the "bonding" hormone that makes the woman want to cuddle, connect emotionally, and communicate about the relationship. The female brain needs to talk about relationships like the male brain needs sex.

Personally, I think the whole FWB thing has become a lot more common and known in recent years. Tools like online dating have lead us to believe that the perfect person is just a check box away, so our expectations have increased as we have lost our ability to compromise. So with this, it is easier to find a friend or aquaintance for a FWB relationship.

Ok, so lets weigh up the pro's and cons of a No strings/Friends with Benefits relationship..

* Sex (and probably lots of it)
* Chemistry
* Friendship
* Potential future partner

* One party falling in love
* Boredm
* No real feelings

I want to see this kind of relationship work. It didn't work for Blair and Chuck in Gossip girl, or Emma and Adam in No Strings Attached.. So will it work for me?
I love to really get into my blogs and find out the truth. So I am going to experiment with this. I am going to find a guy, and tell him a FWB relationship is all I want and see what happens.. watch this space!!

If you have any questions, you can email me -, twitter @LittleMissVak



  1. LOVE this blog!! Its the age old question, will it or wont it work. Ive had it in both situations, where it worked and neither of us got attached but also another time when it didnt work because i got too attached. interested to see what other people think?

  2. Realised I never left you a comment when I read this the other day. As I told you on Twitter I don't particularly like the FWB thing - true friends don't do that because they'd either already be together or they'd look elsewhere for some loving.

    One thing I think you've overlooked is when FWB becomes 'seeing someone'.

    'Seeing someone' is effectively the stage before dating - you have someone you regularly see (weekly maybe, sometimes every 10 days, sometimes twice a week) and you see that person for the physical attraction as well as company.

    To me, FWB is not a regular thing. You can't have a FWB if you see them weekly or even bi-weekly; that's 'seeing someone' in anyone's book. FWB would be monthly or even maybe every 6 weeks.

    The whole 'seeing someone' thing is indeed a different topic in itself; when does 'seeing someone' become more than that - when does it become dating and a relationship; what is the motive behind it?!

    There are other things such as 'seeing someone' would tend to be with someone you regularly talk to in an intimate manner, someone you'd confide in and trust whereas FWB is almost a purely physical thing and whilst you may speak in between meeting up it's simply as a friend does, may not even be regular and may be simple "hi you are you?" kind of conversations.

    FWB is easy to get out of as well - 'seeing someone' is harder; you get so used to it and you keep going back to the same person.

    Relating back to your blog and everything you've said, you end it with, "I am going to find a guy, and tell him a FWB relationship is all I want" - based on everything in the blog, you've surely described that you want to 'see someone' without the strings attached element - I don't even know if there's a term for what that is; it's like a cross between the two things!!

    Anyway, thought you'd appreciate some ramblings!!

  3. Didn't mean to post that as anon by the way!

  4. You make some good points here but a couple of things to point out:

    1. There's no evidence to suggest that FWB or those sorts of relationships have become more common in recent years, these sorts of interactions I would argue have always existed but the ways that cultures understand them and the exact ways they work have evolved.
    2. It's not strictly true that sex for men is always more physical and platonic, that is a gender generalisation and actually the issue of emotional involvement can just as easily come from either gender. What I find interesting is that this generalisation is born from culturally created schemas of the ways that certain genders behave. One outcome of this is that although men can be just as easily emotionally connected to a partner, they may not be as likely to vocalise this, to themselves or others, as this is not what is expected of them.

  5. I think it works for a short time but I don't think it will last really long. You had a point that women tend to be attached at some point. :)