Monday, 20 January 2014

What Do Women Want?

It’s a funny question when you think about it. What do women want? I mean, it’s a rather big question, having to think about all the things you want and generalising. You can ask me in the morning what I want for dinner that night and I won’t know. It is even more of a shocking question when a guy asks you what you want. It happened to me on a date once where he looked at me holding his glass of wine and said “so what is it you want, what are you looking for?” Ok Mr cheap white wine drinker, I want to leave this date and look for a taxi! It surely is like the no no of all questions on a date, right? Because if I tell you that I want to find a serious relationship, you will agree, making me think oh he isn’t such an asshole or a player, next thing I know we are drunk and in bed and then he doesn’t call? Bitch please! 

But when it comes to guys, I guess we, as women, kind of do know what we want. My friends reading this will probably wonder if I know all of what women want as they know I do not think like your average woman. See, in the word woman there is the word man. I seem to be able to think like both. When it comes to dating and sex, yes, I do think like a man. When it comes to relationships, I am the ultimate woman. (PS, I am learning to cook and bake for all you sexy males reading this.)

So here I am about to give a list of what women want. The girly girls, the boyish girls, the psycho stalking kind of girls, the girls who don’t give a shit, basically every type of female usually wants the same things when it comes to relationships. Guys, you are so lucky to be getting this information now! 
The list is in no particular order..

1)      Honesty

Without honesty, there is no trust. Trust and understanding is a big thing with honesty. The minute you lie, you break that trust. Do not fool around with her feelings under the impression you think you may hurt her. Girls would much rather be told the truth than be lied to. If we get hurt we can deal with it, that is what alcohol and Ben&Jerry’s was made for.

2)      Intelligence

Women are attracted to guys that know how to hold a conversation about many different things other than football and beer. Guys need to flaunt this in a way that is humble and interesting. Surprise us with your intelligence. Being knowledgeable is a massive turn on! Do you know something about exotic wines? Listen to Frank Sinatra? Great, tell us, these are things we would like to hear. Nothing makes you more sexy than class and intelligence.

3)      Sense Of Humour

This is usually number 1 for me personally. If a guy can make me laugh, I can fall for him there and then. I love to make people laugh so when someone does it to me, it’s a wonderful feeling. When a guy makes a girl laugh, she can forget about her shit day, or the fight she had with her best friend, it’s a warm and special feeling when a guy makes you giggle. But guys, do not try too hard. Do not tell me jokes you read from the newspaper whilst on the shitter. Let it flow, let it come naturally and you can have a girl at your fingertips.

4)      Challenge

Challenge us. Girls like a challenge. We may (some) act like we are waiting for the phone call or the text message but really we don’t want you to be so clingy and forward. We like a bit of space and we like a challenge. That doesn’t mean go be a player and let us find out that you are texting 3 girls at the same time. It means don’t message us every hour to say hello. Let us miss you, let us wait a bit, give us something to want!

5)      Be Clean

Yes, this is coming. Guys, have some good personal hygiene skills and trust me, it will be appreciated. Smell good. Nothing makes a woman’s labia pulsate like a man with a good smell. I can walk past a man on the street and the whiff of his aftershave can take me to another level (to a point of stalking, I literally turned direction to follow a man once cos he smelt so good.) Anyway, you all expect us to be clean shaven and have good breath and clean hair, well you need to do the same. Get over your rock star dreams with your unruly, unwashed and un brushed hair. Trim your pubes. Clean your apartment. Remove the empty McDonalds packets from your car. Take showers, daily! Oh and also, you need to have a shower before you expect us to suck your dick (no girl wants to gag on cheese).

6)      Do Not Give Away Your Power

Guys, want to know what is really sexy? A man with power. Want to know what is really unsexy? A whipped pussy bitch. Listen, every girl wants their man to drool over them and give them what they want, but no girl wants her man to give in to everything. I am a girl who likes to be in control with most things in my life, so when it comes to men and my relationships, I like a guy to be in control. Don’t wait for me to pick the restaurant every time, do not tell me “I don’t mind baby, whatever you want!” GRRRRR have some power, tell us what you want to do and where you want to go and don’t worry, if we do not like it, we will tell you. Don’t be scared of us or scared to hurt our feelings. Don’t get it twisted though; we don’t want to be controlled about each aspect of the relationship. Yes, a bit of control in bed is good too but let us have our voice and be heard. Just do not be a guy who lets his woman control him. Once girls hear and see it, you become so unwanted. There are girls that will control guys to get what she wants and as soon as she has it and has left your broke ass dry, she will move on to her next victim. These kind of girls are masters at what they do and can get any guy to fall for them. She will basically emotionally rape you.

7)      Generosity

Women love men who can be generous. This doesn’t mean spending your whole paycheck on us. It doesn’t even have to be on us. It doesn’t even have to be money, can be time too. I knew a guy once who volunteered once a week at a dog shelter. Not only do I love dogs, but I love the fact a guy gave up his time to help them providing them love. Unfortunately, his love for women was not as good but he was such a decent guy and I had so much love and respect for him. Of course we love it when guys buy us a little present here and there or provide us with their time, especially on football Sundays – but guys, be generous in the bedroom too. There are girls who love sex just as much as you do, and should you be good at it, we will keep running back for more. You could be the world’s most handsome, kind and funny man, but should you lack skills in the bedroom, we will forget you. Read a book, watch some tutorials get it right and you will win.

8)      Romance

You know what, romance is dead these days. There is too much talking, not enough doing. Guys will message girls all this bullshit over the phone but never back up their actions. Where is chivalry these days? Connect with us emotionally and that is golden. Romance does not have to be gifts. This is where guys get mistaken. Open a door for me, give me your hand when I am getting out of the car, pull out my chair – that is romantic. We aren’t expecting you to be a knight in shining armour, I mean usually we get assholes in tin foil these days but it is the little things that count. These are the things that can sweep a girl off of her feet. Don’t get me wrong, if I liked a guy and he came below my window playing one of my favourite love songs like “Have I Told You Lately That I Love You” (Rod Stewart Version) or “The Way You Look Tonight” (Westlife’s version) I would collapse and have to pinch myself to check I wasn’t in a dream because ultimately, it is EVERY girls dream for something like that to happen.. You would have my heart! Ok, well back to reality we go.. Guys, be romantic god damn it!

9)      Be Yourself!

Guys, you know what pisses me off? When we go on a date and you say all the right things and then I get to know you better and everything you said was just a complete haystack of bullshit lies! Do not talk shit just to impress a girl. Be yourself. Girls are happiest when they can be themselves around guys. Don’t lie and make stuff up because you think it will impress us. We may be impressed for all of ten minutes but when we found out you lied, we will be least impressed for all of ten years. Trust me when I say this, if you are a bit of a geek, go with it. Girls love a guy with an inner geek. If your idea of a perfect date is going to a theme park rather than dinner or drinks then take us. We want to know the real you from early on to identify if you can be the man for us. Be you and don’t pretend and you will get far.

10)   Loyalty

I will tell you what can get a girls knickers in a twist bigger than watching Channing Tatum in Magic Mike, and that is when a guy in disloyal. As females, we know the male species have it in them to be a “player” or a bit of a commitment-phobe. Don’t worry, I have lived as the number 1 emoshaphobe, I know all the ways of living un-attached. Just because you aren’t in a ‘serious’ relationship with someone yet, does not mean you can’t be loyal. If you are dating someone, you know what, forget about the other girls for the time being. Give her all of your attention. There is nothing worse than finding out the guy you are dating took another girls number or was seen chatting girls up. If you continue to act like this, you will get nowhere. If you respect us and actually respect yourself too, then be a gentleman and be loyal. It won’t kill you.

Wednesday, 8 January 2014

New Years Resolutions!

Happy New Year everyone.

So, with a new year comes a whole load of new resolutions. We are all foolish to them. We all make them, even if we don't tell people we are making them, secretly to ourselves we do. Somehow, they seem to be the same thing year after year, and ok, sometimes we do manage to get through some of them, even if for a week, is it better than nothing?
So below, I have come up with a list of the resolutions we make, and what we actually say and do.

1) "I will join the gym and make sure I go!"

I will go, and I will love it. I will feel great and powerful and make sure everyone on Facebook knows I am at the gym. But wait, it is dark so early..  OK, I am tired today so I will go tomorrow instead.
'Whats that mum? There's macaroni cheese for dinner? Ok, I will go to the gym tomorrow!'

Tomorrow turns into never and you continue to pay this membership and go once a month when you fancy a swim, or someone made you angry and you need to kick a punch bag!

2) "I will quit smoking!"

This works well until you have a bad day at work, or your boyfriend pisses you off and you go to your friend who you know will have cigerettes on them and end up smoking her whole pack in your stressful mode. Well done. That lasted a week!

3)  "I am going to diet and do a detox with no carbs or alcohol."

This is my favourite resolution. Why? Because this is me. I am THAT girl! Though I do well for a week, the next week I could chug down a pint of beer while eating a pizza. (I mean, how perfect does that sound?!)
If you are going to diet, make sure you do not cut out the things you love. I make sure to do a cheat day, usually on a Saturday so that I have a week to decide what I want and I truly look forward to it.

4)  "I am going to drink less, especially on the weekend!"

This is like the smoking one in a way. What is the one thing you want after a bad day or you are stressed? For me, its a big glass of red wine. It calms me down and de-stresses me. I can say that I have at least one glass of wine during the working week. Come the weekend and I am out partying, it usually ends up being beer and vodka shots (classy bird). But once again, the first week after New Year it works, there is no wine, no beer and most certainly no shots. Then the weekend comes around again and it is someones birthday and you are dancing and having fun and a drinking game begins and then you wake up the next morning with a dreadful hangover and the words 'I am NEVER drinking again' are written on your phone to text your best friend who is also suffering.
Hold on, it is the weekend again - LETS GET FUCKIN MORTAL!

5)  "I am going to stay in more and not buy irellevant things to save money!"

Well, the first week after New Year you do not want to go out anyway as you drank so much you have a 3 day hangover and come the weekend, you need to catch up on sleep so that is one week where you didn't buy things irellevantly.
Next thing you know, you and your friend meet up after work to walk home, stop by a few shops, spend a quarter of your wage on clothes you didn't need and as you are so tired from the unnecessary shopping (which may I add is like a sport) you decide to dine out as the last thing you want to do is cook. I can sense many of you reading this and know exactly what I am talking about!

6) "I will stop talking to my Ex!"

New year, new start, new men...
3am on Saturday morning, phone buzzes..
"Baby I miss your sexy ass!" - its the ex, he is horny, you know you shouldn't invite him over, but you are drunk and he is so god damn sexy...
"My place, ten minutes.." - Oh shit, I did it. Why did I do it? Oh fuck it.

30 minutes and a shag later, he is gone. It is nearly 4am now and you lay in bed unable to sleep because you are procrastinating about the events that just went on and whether you will hear from him tomorrow or not. You don't hear from him the next day so you go ahead and message and next thing you know, you are stalking his Facebook and have turned into GiGi from 'He's just not that into you.'
Slap yourself out of it and stop talking to him.
Well, until you need a booty call!

7) "I will try online dating again!"

Who needs to make a profile anymore now we have Tinder?! What a genius app. All I need to do to find the love of my life is swipe left or right and there he will be with a picture of himself shining on a beach somewhere beautiful, or on a mountain top somewhere mysterious. Ok, yeah, we wish! Instead you see their face and judge quickly. He is too geeky. He is too short. He has a receding hairline.
So before we can even speak to someone to find out if we could be a match made in heaven, to see if we both like to play table tennis and go to theme parks we need to see if looks wise we match.
So, the online dating thing goes down the shitter as you start to get repetative strain injury in your swiping hand and have had traumatic date.

Back to finding cupid it is....