Wednesday, 21 May 2014

What Women Do In Bed That Men Hate - The Male Reply!!

Of course men do many mistakes in bed, we are simple creatures. I really appreciate all the pointers I can get, and have taken upon myself to return the favor. Big thanks to all my boys that happily aired their grievances, and reported what mistakes women do in the bedroom.
1: Rape fantasies aren't just fantasies, you have a problem. It isn't necessarily a deal-breaker, but I had to put it out there.
2: A good hand-job is an art. Be careful when you are doing it, the penis is sensitive! Be happy to get directions, adapt, and if your knuckles turn white while you are tugging, you are pulling too hard!
3a: We will happily munch your vagina for hours, just give us a bit of head already!
3b: When you are giving me head, you need to love it! Look at my dick as if it's the fountain of youth and you're dying. There is nothing worse than when we expect a solid BJ, but get just 1 minute of unengaged head bobbing, and then a "Now you get on top!". Be engaged, and afterwards we will jump on you.
3c: When you blow, for gods sake, get your teeth out of the way!!!! I never even use a Zip-fly because I don't want any kind of inter-locking teeth close to my dick. Use an abundance of saliva, and make it sloppy.
4: Use your hands, don't orphan the balls, work the gooch (area between back of ball-sack and bum-hole), stimulate the pooper, and potentially add a finger in the ass. UNLESS OTHERWISE INSTRUCTED a little bum-licking has never gone amiss.
5: When you're on top, move vertically. Only move horizontal if you want my dick to break into two pieces. It actually feels like you are dislocating the penis, and when we scream, it is actually screams of pure pain and agony. And if you're unsure which direction is which, let us do you doggy-style whilst you Google it.
6: Farts are ONLY funny if they come from the ass
7: Johnssons baby oil isn't only for babies! If you provide lube, we assume that's a free pass into the Brown eye. And if you are fine with us only using spit, please communicate this.
8: Cock-control can be a tricky thing. We have years of experience and practice in holding it in. But sometimes we just can't. There comes a point when it doesn't matter if a nuclear war breaks out, we will finish. It is usually accompanied by our faces looking as if we are smelling vinegar!
9: Don't immediately get off my dick after I've cum. It's far too sensitive to get in contact with air.
10: Allow comedy! Some of the best jokes come between the sheets. If I want to use your pubes as a Hitler-mustache while screaming racist slurs into your vagina…Embrace the comedy!
Last but not least. Don't get pissy if we don't initiate, we are always up for it!
Written by: Achashverosh, inspired by the "League of Extraordinary Comedians"

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

What Men Do In Bed That Women Hate!

What is one of the main things you talk about when you get together with your girls? Your sex life, obviously. I just love it when me and the girls get together and we discuss our latest shags and who did what and what positions, penis size, good, bad etc!
So it was funny when a few of my girls and I got onto the subject and were discussing all the things men do in bed that they think we like, when really, we don't! So I have compiled a list of my top 10 favourite ones that we came up with.
To all the males reading this, take note...
1) When your so into it and he asks you to put the condom on. Ummmm this is not sexual education class and your dick is not a banana. You put the condom on whilst I try to continue looking sexy.
2) When your giving a blow job and the guy thinks it's ok to push your head as if you are a bobble doll. I have an awful gag reflex, do it one more time and I am vomming on your cock and you will know not to EVER push my head again!
3) Hard spanking. If the mood is right and we are having a good time, a spank doesn't hurt nobody, well, until it hurts somebody. Spank me that hard again I will box you in the nose!
4) When a guy tries to remove your underwear with his teeth. Did god create you with hands? Yes. So use them you moron. We are both horny, don't waste my time and make me lose it by using your teeth. It is not sexy. It's off putting.
5) Wait. Ouch. Hold up. Are you joking me??? You think you can just 'slip' your dick up my ass like I'm not going to notice? It's as dry as a nuns minge darling. Of course I'm going to feel it, I'm in agony. Never try and 'slip' a dick into the A hole. Pre warn and lube us!
6) Oh did you see that position on a porn film? Good for you but NO! It's all fun I'm sure when you are wanking off watching a porno but it is being filmed and they have practiced. So trying to flip us over like we are a crab on top of a rock upside down is not going to work for either of us. Play it simple, play it cool, let us work into positions together.
7) Did someone tell you that saying "who's your daddy" was going to turn me on? Because that is probably one of the most awful things a guy can say to a girl in bed. You are not my father. That is just wrong. I'm clearly fucking you because you turn me on (or this is a drunken club meet) and I'm going with it, don't ruin it with sentences like that. Just don't talk! Satisfy us and we are happy!
8) Guys, it's really cute that you all think you are the master at finger blasting, but if you are trying to pluck strings like I'm a harp, you have it all wrong. Treat our vaginas like a treasure chest. It's golden. 
9) When you cum and we have no idea. It's really annoying when the guy is so quiet so we don't know. Make noises. Moan. It makes us moan. Then let us know your gonna cum, we might be so bored that it'll make us happy. Or if we are enjoying it maybe we can cum together!
10) DO NOT STOP!!!! Why lord why? I was at the point of orgasmic bliss, I'm at the top of the mountains smelling flowers ahhhhh bisto kind of bliss and you stop. Mother fucker I just fell off the mountain. It's selfish. You stop because you are about to cum? Control it boy! Slow yourself down. Don't full on stop to take a moment because if you do that more than once, I would have lost it.
So that concludes the list! I hope you all enjoyed reading it and if there are any you think of, let me know at
I would love a guy to do a reply to this about the top 10 things women do in bed that you hate. Get in touch!!
Lots of love..
Little Miss V.. X