Friday, 3 August 2012


A few weeks ago a friend and I took a ‘trip’ to the STD clinic. Just saying the letters S.T.D gives me the hibidejeebees!  We went to our usual one (not like it’s our local hang out or anything) checked in and waited on the uncomfortable, plastic, Chlamydia ridden seats.  It’s funny when you sit in one of these clinics and other people are there because you always try to work out what their symptoms are or what they have. 

There was one guy sitting diagonal to my friend and I and he could not sit still. “CRABS DEFFO!” I shouted to my friend. A few seats down from him, was a girl who must have been only about 16 or 17. Seeing a girl that age with absolute worry on her face was a bit disturbing but at the end of the day, we were all here for the same reason. 

Thinking you may have caught an STD from someone is actually a really disheartening feeling. Makes you mad at the world, or the guy you shagged for passing you something so vile. It is not often that I will have unprotected sex, unless I am with the partner but I guess this was a one off.

After waiting for about five minutes the 16 year old came over to me and my friend and asked if she could sit with us as she was really nervous. She introduced herself as Kelly and we chatted briefly. As she was talking about her college and her boyfriend and her lost oyster card, I started to get wound up and out of nowhere, it came out of me like word vomit.. “so what you here for Kels?”  She became embarrassed and went a bit red. My friend (who is very similar and loud mouthed like me) then asked her “Chlamydia? Crabs? Syphilis? Gonorrhoea? “ Kelly then said she didn’t want to talk about it, so I said “Oh come on, it’s not like you have a condom stuck in you or anything just tell us!”
Well, let me tell you, by the expression on her face, I was reliving her shock and horror! She did in fact have part of the condom stuck inside her and as she knew the guy she slept with was a bit of a player, she thought she might have an STD as well. 

Have you ever been in a situation where you want to laugh to the point where you are rolling on the floor in stitches but can’t because of the situation?! Well, that was me then.  Not only did Kelly have a suspected STD but she had half of the ripped condom stuck inside her. 

Lucky for me at this point my number was called and it was my turn to collect my goods. Oh wait, I’m not as Argos, I’m at the friggin sexual health clinic! When I had booked the appointment, I specifically asked to be seen by Brenda. She is a middle aged blonde lady who makes you crack up laughing even when you have a gigantic lubed up stick in your vagina. I had only been to this clinic once before but trust me, when your legs are high in the air and a random persons head is in your vagina, you need to feel comfortable with them! As I go to my room I am greeted by Dr. Patel, a short Asian man probably about 50 odd. “Hello there Miss” he said to me. I was in shock. Where was Brenda? Where was my funny blonde woman?! Why was there a small man standing in front of me? I told him that I had come to see Brenda but he informed me she was off sick and he was covering her. “Are there any other females I can see?” I asked. His reply was what made me comfortable with him.. “No, everyone is busy today. There is something about the month of June. We are always fully booked. It is as if people see the sun, get the horn and have sex time in the garden, forgetting to use condoms!” What a joker! Ok Dr. Patel let’s go! How wrong about him I was..

So he asks me what I think is wrong or if I have any symptoms. I told him exactly the situation and he asked me to slip off my underwear and sit on the bed with my legs spread and up on the stirrups. So there I am, fully exposed to a man I do not know. Usually, I would not be as bothered by this (if it were a different situation) but this just feels so cringe worthy and I want it to be over ASAP!

Dr. Patel informs me of what he is going to do and then stares at me. Well, not me, but my vagina. He is staring at my fanny like Augustus Gloop stared at Willy Wonkas chocolate river in awe. He looks up and smiles at me. Officially creeped out right now. Then he starts feeling around my insides with a cotton bud he and makes small talk. Is he joking me?! Is he actually trying to talk to me about the weather and ask me if I am excited for the Olympics when he is basically in my vagina!? When the procedure is over he asks me if I have ever had an HIV test. WHAT!? HIV? AIDS? This man is a next level asshole. What is he implying? He can tell by the look on my face that I am angry but then informs me that you never know what someone has caught and if you have unprotected sex you can catch anything. Well yes, I know that Dr. Smartass that is why I am sat here with my beaver in your face. Anyway, I agree to the HIV test which is just a small prick to the finger where they take blood and you get the results back ten minutes later. After that was done, I jumped off the bed, got dressed and went to meet my friend in the waiting room.

I told her what had happened with Dr. TwatFace and she gasped. Next thing I knew he was calling me back for my HIV results. “Don’t worry miss, you don’t have it.” Well thank fuck for that I thought. He then explained to me that if I had an STD the results would be sent in the post. If I didn’t receive anything in 12 days, I am all clear. A month has passed and nothing, AMEN!

I do recommend if you are sexually active, use protection. Even if you are on the pill, use a condom. You never know what disease someone may be carrying.

Little Miss V.. x

PS.. They managed to get the condom out of Kelly and she had Chlamydia!! Shame.