Wednesday, 8 January 2014

New Years Resolutions!

Happy New Year everyone.

So, with a new year comes a whole load of new resolutions. We are all foolish to them. We all make them, even if we don't tell people we are making them, secretly to ourselves we do. Somehow, they seem to be the same thing year after year, and ok, sometimes we do manage to get through some of them, even if for a week, is it better than nothing?
So below, I have come up with a list of the resolutions we make, and what we actually say and do.

1) "I will join the gym and make sure I go!"

I will go, and I will love it. I will feel great and powerful and make sure everyone on Facebook knows I am at the gym. But wait, it is dark so early..  OK, I am tired today so I will go tomorrow instead.
'Whats that mum? There's macaroni cheese for dinner? Ok, I will go to the gym tomorrow!'

Tomorrow turns into never and you continue to pay this membership and go once a month when you fancy a swim, or someone made you angry and you need to kick a punch bag!


2) "I will quit smoking!"

This works well until you have a bad day at work, or your boyfriend pisses you off and you go to your friend who you know will have cigerettes on them and end up smoking her whole pack in your stressful mode. Well done. That lasted a week!

3)  "I am going to diet and do a detox with no carbs or alcohol."

This is my favourite resolution. Why? Because this is me. I am THAT girl! Though I do well for a week, the next week I could chug down a pint of beer while eating a pizza. (I mean, how perfect does that sound?!)
If you are going to diet, make sure you do not cut out the things you love. I make sure to do a cheat day, usually on a Saturday so that I have a week to decide what I want and I truly look forward to it.

4)  "I am going to drink less, especially on the weekend!"

This is like the smoking one in a way. What is the one thing you want after a bad day or you are stressed? For me, its a big glass of red wine. It calms me down and de-stresses me. I can say that I have at least one glass of wine during the working week. Come the weekend and I am out partying, it usually ends up being beer and vodka shots (classy bird). But once again, the first week after New Year it works, there is no wine, no beer and most certainly no shots. Then the weekend comes around again and it is someones birthday and you are dancing and having fun and a drinking game begins and then you wake up the next morning with a dreadful hangover and the words 'I am NEVER drinking again' are written on your phone to text your best friend who is also suffering.
Hold on, it is the weekend again - LETS GET FUCKIN MORTAL!

5)  "I am going to stay in more and not buy irellevant things to save money!"

Well, the first week after New Year you do not want to go out anyway as you drank so much you have a 3 day hangover and come the weekend, you need to catch up on sleep so that is one week where you didn't buy things irellevantly.
Next thing you know, you and your friend meet up after work to walk home, stop by a few shops, spend a quarter of your wage on clothes you didn't need and as you are so tired from the unnecessary shopping (which may I add is like a sport) you decide to dine out as the last thing you want to do is cook. I can sense many of you reading this and know exactly what I am talking about!

6) "I will stop talking to my Ex!"

New year, new start, new men...
3am on Saturday morning, phone buzzes..
"Baby I miss your sexy ass!" - its the ex, he is horny, you know you shouldn't invite him over, but you are drunk and he is so god damn sexy...
"My place, ten minutes.." - Oh shit, I did it. Why did I do it? Oh fuck it.

30 minutes and a shag later, he is gone. It is nearly 4am now and you lay in bed unable to sleep because you are procrastinating about the events that just went on and whether you will hear from him tomorrow or not. You don't hear from him the next day so you go ahead and message and next thing you know, you are stalking his Facebook and have turned into GiGi from 'He's just not that into you.'
Slap yourself out of it and stop talking to him.
Well, until you need a booty call!

7) "I will try online dating again!"

Who needs to make a profile anymore now we have Tinder?! What a genius app. All I need to do to find the love of my life is swipe left or right and there he will be with a picture of himself shining on a beach somewhere beautiful, or on a mountain top somewhere mysterious. Ok, yeah, we wish! Instead you see their face and judge quickly. He is too geeky. He is too short. He has a receding hairline.
So before we can even speak to someone to find out if we could be a match made in heaven, to see if we both like to play table tennis and go to theme parks we need to see if looks wise we match.
So, the online dating thing goes down the shitter as you start to get repetative strain injury in your swiping hand and have had traumatic date.

Back to finding cupid it is....

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