What is one of the main things you talk about when you get together with your girls? Your sex life, obviously. I just love it when me and the girls get together and we discuss our latest shags and who did what and what positions, penis size, good, bad etc!
So it was funny when a few of my girls and I got onto the subject and were discussing all the things men do in bed that they think we like, when really, we don't! So I have compiled a list of my top 10 favourite ones that we came up with.
To all the males reading this, take note...
1) When your so into it and he asks you to put the condom on. Ummmm this is not sexual education class and your dick is not a banana. You put the condom on whilst I try to continue looking sexy.
2) When your giving a blow job and the guy thinks it's ok to push your head as if you are a bobble doll. I have an awful gag reflex, do it one more time and I am vomming on your cock and you will know not to EVER push my head again!
3) Hard spanking. If the mood is right and we are having a good time, a spank doesn't hurt nobody, well, until it hurts somebody. Spank me that hard again I will box you in the nose!
4) When a guy tries to remove your underwear with his teeth. Did god create you with hands? Yes. So use them you moron. We are both horny, don't waste my time and make me lose it by using your teeth. It is not sexy. It's off putting.
5) Wait. Ouch. Hold up. Are you joking me??? You think you can just 'slip' your dick up my ass like I'm not going to notice? It's as dry as a nuns minge darling. Of course I'm going to feel it, I'm in agony. Never try and 'slip' a dick into the A hole. Pre warn and lube us!
6) Oh did you see that position on a porn film? Good for you but NO! It's all fun I'm sure when you are wanking off watching a porno but it is being filmed and they have practiced. So trying to flip us over like we are a crab on top of a rock upside down is not going to work for either of us. Play it simple, play it cool, let us work into positions together.
7) Did someone tell you that saying "who's your daddy" was going to turn me on? Because that is probably one of the most awful things a guy can say to a girl in bed. You are not my father. That is just wrong. I'm clearly fucking you because you turn me on (or this is a drunken club meet) and I'm going with it, don't ruin it with sentences like that. Just don't talk! Satisfy us and we are happy!
8) Guys, it's really cute that you all think you are the master at finger blasting, but if you are trying to pluck strings like I'm a harp, you have it all wrong. Treat our vaginas like a treasure chest. It's golden.
9) When you cum and we have no idea. It's really annoying when the guy is so quiet so we don't know. Make noises. Moan. It makes us moan. Then let us know your gonna cum, we might be so bored that it'll make us happy. Or if we are enjoying it maybe we can cum together!
10) DO NOT STOP!!!! Why lord why? I was at the point of orgasmic bliss, I'm at the top of the mountains smelling flowers ahhhhh bisto kind of bliss and you stop. Mother fucker I just fell off the mountain. It's selfish. You stop because you are about to cum? Control it boy! Slow yourself down. Don't full on stop to take a moment because if you do that more than once, I would have lost it.
So that concludes the list! I hope you all enjoyed reading it and if there are any you think of, let me know at email@example.com.
I would love a guy to do a reply to this about the top 10 things women do in bed that you hate. Get in touch!!
Lots of love..
Little Miss V.. X