‘Philophobia’ is the term for people who have a fear of
falling in love or being in love.
I came across this
statement and wondered, “is this something I have?”
You see, there is something a lot of you do not know about
me. Four years ago I had my heart broken by someone who at the time was not my
boyfriend but my best friend. In all honesty, I thought I was going to spend
the rest of my life with him. So when you have a relationship with a guy that
was as close as mine and his was and that relationship then shatters into a
thousand tiny jigsaw pieces and your heart aches in a way that you never
thought you could experience it makes you wonder, if someone this close and who
you trust with everything can hurt you and break your heart, then surely all
men can?
I guess in one sense, I do thank him. I look back then and
see how I was a weak, sensitive and fragile little girl. Now, I am the complete
opposite. I cannot remember the last time I took shit from a guy, well usually
it is me dishing it out and not caring. Because that is the thing, I do not
care. In the four years since Mr Love Me and Leave me, I have not come across
one guy I have wanted to give feeling or emotion to.
I won’t lie, my friends do call me an insensitive bitch or
an ‘emoshaphobic’ but how can I give a guy my true feelings and emotions when I
felt so hurt and betrayed in the past!? I am not saying that I am a bitch to
every guy I sleep with or I date or am seeing, I am just saying that I will do
what needs to be done and not let myself get hurt again.
I will never hold regrets for things that happened as I believe
that everything happens for a reason and I do believe that it's better to have
loved and lost than never to have loved at all but will I be able to once again
let a guy in?
Some people, especially women, tend to talk about a failed
relationship so much that they re-traumatize themselves. Instead, get rid of
your ex’s cards and letters. Don’t call or text or email. Get some sunshine and
exercise, because both can change brain chemistry. When you can let go of something
you have held onto for a long time, trust me it will feel like a weight has
been lifted off of your shoulders. Moving on and away from something is a great
feeling. You learn to depend and rely more on yourself than other people. Like
Whitney said, ‘Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all!’
All in all, personally, I do not think you can make yourself
fall in love. It is not something you chose. I didn’t choose it. It happened. You
can fall into lust, many a time in fact. I have. I have chosen to lust. You can
lust after several people at once. You can have sex with different people because
you have lust for them, not love. The difference is, when you lust someone all
you want is their company and maybe their cock, where as when you love someone,
you want all of them, you get jealous at certain things, you miss them (and not
just their genitals) and most people become possessive when in love. When you
are in love, after having sex you have romantic feelings toward that person
where as with lust there doesn’t even have to be emotion. So basically, I love
lust?
I won’t deny, it did take me a long time to get over the
love I had for this guy but after working on myself and having some fun in
life, I moved on and got over it. I have recently lost 2 stone and am having a
fabulous time enjoying my life and I actually think I am ready to let
love in.. start queing up boys, LaLa is on the hunt for a man ;)
Lots of love,
Little Miss V..x
