‘Philophobia’ is the term for people who have a fear of falling in love or being in love.
I came across this statement and wondered, “is this something I have?”
You see, there is something a lot of you do not know about me. Four years ago I had my heart broken by someone who at the time was not my boyfriend but my best friend. In all honesty, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with him. So when you have a relationship with a guy that was as close as mine and his was and that relationship then shatters into a thousand tiny jigsaw pieces and your heart aches in a way that you never thought you could experience it makes you wonder, if someone this close and who you trust with everything can hurt you and break your heart, then surely all men can?
I guess in one sense, I do thank him. I look back then and see how I was a weak, sensitive and fragile little girl. Now, I am the complete opposite. I cannot remember the last time I took shit from a guy, well usually it is me dishing it out and not caring. Because that is the thing, I do not care. In the four years since Mr Love Me and Leave me, I have not come across one guy I have wanted to give feeling or emotion to.
I won’t lie, my friends do call me an insensitive bitch or an ‘emoshaphobic’ but how can I give a guy my true feelings and emotions when I felt so hurt and betrayed in the past!? I am not saying that I am a bitch to every guy I sleep with or I date or am seeing, I am just saying that I will do what needs to be done and not let myself get hurt again.
I will never hold regrets for things that happened as I believe that everything happens for a reason and I do believe that it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all but will I be able to once again let a guy in?
Some people, especially women, tend to talk about a failed relationship so much that they re-traumatize themselves. Instead, get rid of your ex’s cards and letters. Don’t call or text or email. Get some sunshine and exercise, because both can change brain chemistry. When you can let go of something you have held onto for a long time, trust me it will feel like a weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. Moving on and away from something is a great feeling. You learn to depend and rely more on yourself than other people. Like Whitney said, ‘Learning to love yourself, it is the greatest love of all!’
All in all, personally, I do not think you can make yourself fall in love. It is not something you chose. I didn’t choose it. It happened. You can fall into lust, many a time in fact. I have. I have chosen to lust. You can lust after several people at once. You can have sex with different people because you have lust for them, not love. The difference is, when you lust someone all you want is their company and maybe their cock, where as when you love someone, you want all of them, you get jealous at certain things, you miss them (and not just their genitals) and most people become possessive when in love. When you are in love, after having sex you have romantic feelings toward that person where as with lust there doesn’t even have to be emotion. So basically, I love lust?
I won’t deny, it did take me a long time to get over the love I had for this guy but after working on myself and having some fun in life, I moved on and got over it. I have recently lost 2 stone and am having a fabulous time enjoying my life and I actually think I am ready to let love in.. start queing up boys, LaLa is on the hunt for a man ;)
Lots of love,
Little Miss V..x