Has anyone ever asked you what the craziest thing you have
said/done to get out of a bad date? Someone asked me once and I had to think
really long and hard. Now, what happened last night will always spring to mind.
It was a warm, August evening in Tel Aviv and I had agreed to meet
my date, we will call him Mr. Boots for now, at the beach for a chilled,
relaxing evening. Sometimes it’s nice to get away from the generic ‘bar’ date.
Boots is one I met on Tinder and we had been chatting for 6 days.
Conversation was always flowing and he seemed really funny and sweet, a bit on
the desperate side, but ok. So I agreed to meet him when he said he had a day
off of work, being a baggage handler at the airport, and wanted to keep his
evening free for me.
So the date comes around and there he is standing in all his 5
foot seven glory, (sense the sarcasm here please, I am the same height) and
smiling from ear to ear. He gave me a hug hello with his nice, muscly arms and
down to the sand we went. He bought the drink, I bought the blanket and there
we sat. Conversation got flowing and I now realise I should ask guys for
pictures of them smiling, not just the ones on their profiles. Boots’ pictures
were all a bit posey or mouth shut selfies. So when he talked, I saw the inside
of his mouth. I wish I hadn’t. His gums were so red it looked like he had a
severe gum infection. His teeth were an awful shade of custard and his lips
were really chappy and cracked. Strike 1!
Trying to put all of that aside, I remember his hat. He was
wearing a trucker hat to a first date. Moving my eyes downwards, I notice his
boots. Yes, boots. It is August in Tel Aviv meaning that it is about 30 degrees
at night and he is wearing boots. I was so shocked I said to him, “it’s like 50
degrees out why would you be wearing boots?” His answer, “when I came back from
America I was so broke I didn’t have any money to buy new shoes!” Strike 2. My
reply, “didn’t you get back 5 months ago?” His reply, “yeah but I literally had
no money!” Nobody wants to hear about how brass you are. I am no gold digger
but I am not messin with some broke… male.
As the date goes on, already despising so much about him, he
starts talking about other girls he has dated. Strike 3. Do you think I care
why it didn’t work out with each and every one of them? No, I don’t. By now, as
you can tell, I was beginning to get frustrated and I knew I had to get out of
this date somehow. I didn’t want to be the bitch I know I can be and say,
“listen, this isn’t gonna work so let’s end it now.” If I did that, I would
have to walk away first and that would have been awkward, seeing as we were
sitting on my blanket.
So I made something up. Something so bizarre and ridiculous.
Something I don’t think anyone apart from me, this brilliant actress could do.
I told him I had a dick. Yes, you read correctly. I told this boy, who had
driven 25 minutes to see me and who was so excited, that I am a transgender now
going through my transition. That I had my Adam’s apple shaved, my breasts
implanted and my testosterone levels reduced due to the oestrogen I was taking.
I even told him that my dick and balls had shrivelled so small because of the
medication as it’s the only way to have the surgery to make me a natural
vagina.
Where was this all coming from? How was I able to communicate all
of this to him without hysterically laughing? Luckily, I like a good
documentary so I thank my lucky stars I watched one on transgenderism.
Obviously he didn’t believe me. He kept laughing and trying to make jokes and
there I was tough face on, acting as if I was being deadly serious. I even told
him not to joke as it is so sensitive for me. He finally started to
believe me.
Well, at that point we both knew the date was coming to an end.
“Why didn’t you tell me over our messages instead of making me drive 25 minutes
to meet you?” He asked. Come on, what’s 25 minutes?! Anyway, I replied with, “I
guess I just liked you and thought you may be different from the rest, but it’s
ok, you’re the same and I understand that not every guy will be accepting of
this.” How I am not an actress, I will never know. He didn’t know what to say
so I mentioned that I think the date is over. As we were saying good bye I went
to high five him, (for some odd reason, like who even high fives these days??)
and asked him, “Do you hate me?” “I don’t hate you but I don’t like that you
lied to me.” Fair enough. “Do you wanna hug it out?” I asked. To his reply,
“ummm we can have a hug but nothing else!” So hugged we did and off I went and
immediately phoned my best friend to tell her this insanely creative, awesome
yet ridiculously bizarre, crazy, stupid story!
PS, my dicks name was Ralph.
No comments:
Post a Comment