To Rebound Or To Not Rebound Sex..

There has come a stage in each one of our lives where we have broken up from a partner and felt a little sad and lonely. You know, that part where you are in bed, all alone, wishing someone else was there next to you, until BOOM, you turn over in the bed to cuddle the person you thought was there and instead, discover a whole side to a bed you didn’t know you had! The cold, soft side has been there all along, who knew?! You now don’t feel so alone. You lay in bed making angel shapes as if you were in the snow as you have so much space.

But what happens when you turn back to your side and no one is there to spoon you and turn you on in the middle of the night. Then, the sense of loneliness comes back to haunt you. 

Then you think to yourself, wouldn’t a bit of rebound sex fix all these bad feelings I am having?

When I broke up with my ex, I genuinely made a rebound sex list. I have a high sex drive, I enjoy sex but now I am not in a relationship, I thought to myself, “What am I going to do?” So I made a list. A list of potential people I could sleep with including people I previously dated, people I previously slept with, friends I have a crush on, a bar tender from a bar down the road and even a guy from Tinder. There they were. All these names on a list and I didn’t know where to start.

Don’t get me wrong and think I am an emotionless bitch. (Umm ok, I kinda am!) I do have feelings, (sometimes) and was sad to be going through a break up but I am just not one of those girls who can sit and mope around. I have an ego. I need to feel desirable again and I personally think the best way to get over a break up is go out and have fun. (That doesn’t mean go have sex with every Tom, Dick and Harry.) I mean to go out with your girls, meet some guys and not sit around at home crying over past pictures or messages. There is a reason you broke up, take it, embrace it and move on.

So I have come up with some steps to navigate whether or not you are ready for rebound sex:

1)      Be true to yourself.
If this break up has torn you to the point that you cannot eat, sleep or get out of bed and feel like death is the next step, then do not do it. You are not ready. Don’t even pretend and say “I’m fine” because you are not. Casual sex will make you feel like shit and you may decide to slit your wrist after for feeling like a whore.

2)      Be honest with your partner.
If you are able to get out of bed, go have fun and have casual sex, let the person know where you are at. If you just want to let your inner sexual beast out and are not wanting anything more than some NSA sex, let them know. Let your partner make the decision as to whether or not they want to hook up with you in your current situation. Girls, guys will not give a shit that you just broke up with someone. In fact, guys like being rebound shag. Guys, be honest with the girl. Girls do not take things the same way and may feel as if they are being used. Honesty is the best policy here bitches!

3)      Do it for the right reasons.
You may have had a shitty break up and are pissed off at your ex. If this is the case, don’t go and shag your ex’s best friend to get back at them. Never be that kind of moron! It may be that near the end, the sex was lame and you are gagging for a good session. Have rebound sex because you want to feel good!

4)      If your feelings change, stop!
Sometimes when you come out of a relationship you move on, have casual sex and think you can handle it. Next thing you know, you are into your new fuck buddy and you start getting feelings. If that happens, stop. It will only be yourself that will get hurt. Do not mix sex and emotions. Never a happy ending.

5)      Be safe!
Most of you are not stupid enough to go hang out at your local hooker alley and by drugs, so I don’t mean you need to be safe in that way, I have faith in y’all. What I mean is to be safe and use protection because you know, when you are in a relationship it is great not to have to use condoms and now that you are sleeping with the old crush, the tinder and the bar tender, you never know who they have been sleeping with. Don’t be a fool, wrap the tool!

Lots of Love..

Little Miss V..xx

You're Hot & You're Cold.. You're Yes & You're No!

You know what it’s like girls. You are dating a guy, he is excited to be with you, wants to see you all the time, even gets you little gifts, calls and messages all the time and then suddenly, the shift. Something changes and he pulls back.

He stops making plans like he used to and starts making excuses. You start to feel like you did something wrong or he just doesn’t like you as much anymore.

As females, we always think it is us and it is our fault because we are full of feelings and emotions. But let me tell you something girls, it IS the typical “it’s not you it’s me” thing. Why is that? Because men are a completely weird and fucked up species? Yes, that too, but the real reason is because men get scared. They like to act like they are tough and hard on the outside, but on the inside, they are weak and also, full of emotions that they don’t know how to handle.

When a man gets truly close to a woman and deeply intimate for any extended period of time, he loves that feeling and wants more of it. But the strange part of this is that the moment a man experiences this period of intense closeness, he will take some space for himself. It’s like he needs to recover from something, like injuring a muscle after a workout and needs to be rested, that is how a man is. He needs to be alone before he can be strong again.

But why does being in a relationship make a man feel weak?

There is something that I have come to realize, and that is, a man needs to feel like he has a purpose. That is the only reason a man may want to withdraw from you, is because he is not living his purpose. You see, it is important for him to know what he is doing in life and what his purpose is. It could be excelling in his work, having his own company or even training in a sport. Sometimes a man doesn’t even know what his purpose is.

When a man isn’t going after his own purpose or has fallen away from it, he will become irritated and it will often get in the way of the relationship he is in.

For a prime example, take my friend *Melody. She had been with her boyfriend for nearly two years. They lived together and everything was going great until one day he told her he needed a break. She was gob smacked and shocked as she thought everything was fine! Why did he need a break? Because he had lost himself slightly within the relationship. He had stopped playing tennis every week like he used to and even stopped plans of a business he was trying to open. Though he loved Melody, he couldn’t continue the relationship with her if he couldn’t fulfil his life purposes. When she came to me for advice, I told her that she needs to let him go and do his thing. Give him space and let him find himself again and his purpose in life and in no time he will come running back. Though she didn’t want to be without him, she did just that and only a month later, he had his shit figured out and knew that he needed her in his life and she was part of his “purpose.”

So, what to do if your man is withdrawing from you ladies?

1)      Never give him an ultimatum!!
This is the number 1 no no! When a guy is already in a weak state and is already withdrawn from you, by telling him, “it’s me or the business” (for example) he will most certainly not chose you. You are just adding unnecessary pressure that he does not need at that time.

2)      Do not try and convince him of something.
You may think you know your man well, and I am sure you do, but do not try to convince him of something when deep down, he is unsure. Like an ultimatum, you want a man to be committed to you on a physical, mental and emotional level without added force,

3)      Don’t overshare your feelings.
As women, we like to talk. We want to be open with our man and hope he will do the same in return. Well guess what ladies? This won’t happen. You think by sharing your feelings first, he will share his in return. But if he is already being withdrawn from you, this will frustrate him as if he knows you well, he will know you are only trying to get something out of him. Once he is recharged and ready to share his emotions with you, he will. Don’t rush him.

4)      Do not set unrealistic expectations.
You know when things are going well with a guy, you get excited. You want to move things forward even when they guy has not said anything about a next step. Then the typical happens, the guy stops calling or texting and the girl is left speechless and has no idea what the hell is going on. Why did this happen? Because women like to create expectations about how the relationship should be and how he should act. When this doesn’t go the way we want, you become disappointed. This then winds up in confrontation in an angry way and creates distance and tension. The flip of it is, the woman will then try to act as if she is totally fine with it being a casual relationship when deep down, she is fuming. It is only natural.

So what it comes down to is being yourself and letting your man be himself. No pressure, no ultimatums and no pushing. Let him have his space, always, and let him have some control like a man feels like he should. By doing all of the above, hopefully you and your man will have the perfect relationship.

Lots of love..

Little Miss V..xx