Does penis size really matter?

A few years back I slept with this guy called Lee. Lee went to my school, was known and was hot! He would walk around like he was god’s gift and no one would ever say anything to him because he was just so.. HOT! I remember hearing girls say things like “wow he is so hot, I reckon he is amazing in bed!” Or I would see girls just stare at him, and his package. So you would think a guy like that would know what he was doing in the bedroom and also like the girls thought, be well endowed. 

This was far from the case. Lee and I slept together a few years after we finished school on a random, flirty rainy day. Thank god he had left the TV on in the background and Friends was on. Hearing Ross sing the ‘holiday armadillo’ song was far more entertaining than the way this guy was ‘giving’ it to me. Never in my life had I been so bored. I literally would rather have been Cinderella cleaning a palace floor. To make matters worse, the poor sod thought I was really enjoying myself due to my amazing ability to fake an orgasm.

Some people will say “it’s not about the size, it’s how you use it” but not only did Lee have the smallest cock god could have provided someone, he did not know how to use it either. 

What was worse was that Lee himself was a bit of a dick. So it's a shame that his personality was a bigger dick than his actual penis!  

 

We are in a generation where everything is supersized. Big meals, big cars, big jobs, big tits and bigger egos, it is hard to not think that bigger is better.

So I did some research and found out that the average erect size of the adult penis was between 5.5 inches and 6.2 inches in length and 4.7 inches and 5.1 inches in girth.

I asked my best friend Amy for her thoughts on whether penis size does matter or not and here is what she had to say..
‘From personal experience, size does in fact matter. The best sex I have had has always been with the “bigger guys.” That is just personal experience. Maybe it’s because  I like the feeling of all that girth inside of me or maybe it’s because I like the feeling of not being able to walk, sit or pee the next day or maybe it’s because I like the feeling of my stomach being poked with a whole salami. Whatever the reason, for me, long and thick does the trick!!
This may not be the case for everyone and in defence to all the amazing lays out there who are not so well endowed, the guys I have shagged with small dicks were totally crap in bed altogether! All that “it’s not the size it’s what u do with it” business, may in fact be true, but they were doing fuck all with the little that they had and in my opinion all the amazing foreplay in the world cannot make up for a right good rogering!!’

So, Do women like big penises? Not necessarily. Large penises don't equal an instant orgasm. In fact, penis sizes that skew large can deter women's orgasms. Says Debby Herbenick, Ph.D., the Men's Health "Sex Professor"
 "Women find it difficult to orgasm, and oral sex and hand stimulation are often more effective, as are vibrators," she says.  "It's not personal—it's just how some women's bodies work."

Now that is very true, a woman will not orgasm every time she has sex. Sometimes a guy will feel deflated when he has come before the girl has but boys, don’t take it to heart, it takes some of us longer than the 3 minutes it took you. 

In many surveys that have been done, 85% of women have said they are happy with their partners cock size. Listen, if you are with a partner for some time you learn the positions that suit you both to get you going. Obviously any girl that has a one night stand with a guy who was unable to satisfy her because his cock was not as big as she likes, will most certainly moan about it so do not take it to heart guys!

So here are some positions that can help you in the case of him being big or small.
If he’s a big boy, being on top puts you in control of penetration. Lie flat against his chest, sliding your legs together between his. You can grind against him at your own pace.
If he’s on the small side, get him to take you from behind. This will make him feel bigger and will allow for deeper thrusting action.
Girl on top positions ‘shorten’ the vagina. If he has a smaller penis, this is the best way to maximise his assets, therefore maximising your pleasure!

Girls, ever been with a small guy who gave it to you good? Boys, worried about your size? Get in touch, would love to hear some stories.. Email me - blogdoll21@gmail.com or tweet me @LittleMissVak ..

Lotsa love..
Little Miss V..x

Meet & Seat!

Have you ever been sat at the airport waiting to board your flight whilst wondering who you will be sat next to? Will you be next to the guy who's music is too loud or the mum with the cryng baby or the girl eating a tin of tuna or the hottest specimen of the earth?

Well, thanks to our dear friends at KLM Royal Dutch Airlines, they have resolved this awful issue and you can now chose who you sit next to. Ah, the brilliant ways of technology these days. KLM have basically come up with "Meet and Seat" - even it's name sounds amazing!

So I suppose you are wondering..

What is Meet & Seat?

Meet & Seat lets you find out about interesting people who will be travelling on your KLM flight – and shows you where they will be sitting on board.
Simply log in to Manage my Booking (until 48 hours before departure) and connect with your Facebook or LinkedIn account. Next you can see other passengers’ profile details and choose your seat of course.
Meet & Seat is available for bookings with 1 passenger, for all passengers on intercontinental KLM flights and for Business Class passengers on European KLM flights.

Get that? So instead of sitting next to the miserable old fart who moans everytime someone walks down the isle with a carry on hand suitcase, you could be sitting next to the love of your life. Forget Take me out or Blind Date, this could be dating at it's finest!!

If you have read my blog for some time you would have come across my post "Mile High" which was written on board an Easy Jet flight home from Spain. I was sat next to a Dane Cook look alike who made me tingle in places I did not know that could tingle. I could not have been luckier to have sat next to him and it was probably the best flight of my life. He was gorgeous and interesting and I was absolutely infactuated by him and had there have been more than two toilets on the whole plane, I would have been in there with him.. well, I can hope I would have been ;)
(Check this link to read that post - http://lovelifeeverythin.blogspot.co.uk/2011/05/mile-high.html )

Look, in a way I do find a stalker side to this. We all know everyone loves a Facebook stalk so this makes it very easy to find hotties, or someone you like the look of, but Linked In could be a problem. This is the place where people can connect for jobs. So lets say you are in a certain field, lets say music, and you go to check in and see who you can sit next to ooooh and look at that, the CEO of Sony is on your flight, yep I will sit there! HA! Could you imagine!
I would love that, booking a flight then seeing the Editor of a big magazine is on the plane, obviously I would book my sit there and pester that person about my blog and obviously amazing writing ablities to try and plug a job! So in that sense I do see a strange side to it.

It would be funny if you just saw a bunch of oldies or mingers all sat together, you will just know that they did not attempt to use this amazing piece of technology!

I honestly do think it is the best idea I have heard of in a long time and think other airlines need to hop on board!
Stelios, you are slacking mate!!

I would like to thank my friend Dash for finding this amazing bit of information for me. My life changed for the better tonight!!

PS.. KLM, if you see this, I will be more than happy to test this Meet and Seat for you ;)

Fetish and Fantasy!

Hey dolls,

I have just returned from Amsterdam where I had an awesome time! Whilst there, I was lucky enough to be invited to a "Fetish and Fantasy" shop called 'Smart' by the owner Danny. 
Once inside the shop I felt like I was in a different world. The 'sex' shops in Amsterdam are VERY different to the kinds we have in England, like Ann Summers. Yes you can buy fetish and bondage gear online but you will never find a shop with a selection like they have in Amsterdam. There is everything you read of in 50 Shades of Grey inside this shop, plus more.

I myself am not into BDSM. Don't get me wrong, I do like a good session with some handcuffs and a blindfold but I think that is as far as I would go. Clearly, I am Vanilla!
I asked Danny what the appeal to some people was and he replied "If no animals or children are involved then I do not care. BDSM is what it is and I let people get on with it. I would never sell sick things to sick headed people!" He also told me that he cannot force himself to read 50 Shades of Grey as it is house wife bullshit. I can imagine that after owning a shop like this, the goings on in 50 Shades is more like Sesame Street to him! 
When I asked what kind of people buy things from his shop he explained to me that every day is a different day. He said people from the Government to the gutter will come in as well as police men and womenand your average tourist.

Danny took me on a tour of the shop and some of the products and explained to me how some work (ones that I didn't know!)

Here are a selection of their whips which Danny told me they make themselves and they use real leather. Well, of course if you are being spanked you would want only the best quality material slapping your ass! I did try a few out and unfortunately I have to say that I am not one for whips. I have met people who love the feel of a whip slapping them but for me, it does nothing.

Nipple clamps can be used for either sex, male or female. They are attached to the nipples to create pain by restricting the blood flow when they are erect. Some people derive erotic pleasure from seeing nipple clamps applied. They are used in some BDSM activities, such as tit torture. Danny told me that him and his staff make these nipple clamps themselves! I am not someone who gets turned on by my nipples being played with so for me, these were not of interest.

The leather harness for the strap ons is once again made by Danny and his team. (What a talented bunch!)

 Lovely looking penis there..

I was a bit confused as to why a penis on a strap on was metal. Danny explained to me that the metal ones have what is called a "Vac-U-Lock" that goes on top. The top-rated Vac-U-Lock range of strap-on dildos and bedroom bondage accessories allows you to mix and match a huge variety of dildos, butt plugs and other sex toys.

Once again, Santa (aka Danny) and his little Elves (workers) make the handcuffs themselves. I am starting to wonder what goes on in their back room when making all this gear! I managed to try on a few different handcuffs here and was really impressed. All different types of fur and colours and leather.

After the basic items we came to the face masks. On the left you can see the 'gas mask.' This is used for sensory deprivation so for breath control games used at fetish parties. On the right you have the 'pony mask' so basically if you want to pretend you are a horse this is the mask for you. As you can see there is a part that goes across the mouth so you can really get into the role play and enjoy your horse and pony games. NEIGH for me!!

Now this is something personally I do not get. Why would someone want to wear a face mask or gimp mask? Ok, I understand the whole appeal of Dominance and Submission, and in some parts I really like the thought of it. For me, being in control is something I love and like I mentioned before I enjoy handcuffs and blindfolds but to go to an extreme of making someone wear an ash tray around their face, is this not a bit extreme? I did once watch an episode of Sexcetera where these ladies were talking about a 'smoking fetish' where men will pay for them to come and have sex with them and smoke at the same time, so I guess the ashtray gimp mask would come in handy. 
Calling someone your slave or bitch, I get, but a gimp?! Why would you then want to fuck a gimp? With this you are reducing the status of the person to a sexual toy and not a sexual partner. For me, sex is about enjoyment and pleasure, where is the pleasure in wearing a 'gimp' mask which is then zipped up so you can hardly breathe?! 
A toilet brush, around someones face. This one I would not mind buying, for Channing Tatum. He can come to my house, naked and wear one of these and clean. I think that is the only time one of these is acceptable!!

The toilet roll face mask, should I even bother to explain? I think you all get it by now and can use your imagination for that one. On the right you have the Dildo gag face mask. Please your partner in total silence! I know a few blokes I would make wear this, beats them 'attempting' to talk dirty to you.

Cock holders or cages as they can be know can be used alongside chastity belts which are sometimes used in BDSM play and in consensual relationships. They are a means for the wearer to surrender control over their sexual behavior either for sexual play, or as a long-term method of preventing infidelity or masturbation. They range from metal or plasticor even leather. These ones in the pictures as you can see have a lock and even handcuffs. The dominatrix will wear the key around her neck on a chain to tease her sub even more.

Here we have the 'teasing toys.' These ones are called 'pin wheels' and are used to seduce your partner and turn them on. If you read 50 shades, you will have read about these. Danny tried these on my hand and OMG I loved them. The pin prick feeling they give are amazing. I can imagine when on the naked body and over your sensitive parts, it must feel amazing. (Added to my shopping cart!)

Danny really went into depth about the items which was great. He liked to keep reminding me that there are a lot of sick and twisted people out there and that he doesn't consider his shop a "fun store!" 

I thought I was quite experiemental and my friends have always called me a 'filth bag' but after finding out about all these items in depth, I think I am quite 'vanilla!' 

Maybe someone can change my mind?! Hmmmmm..

If you have any questions or experiences with any of these toys I would LOVE to know so comment below or email me at blogdoll21@gmail.com or twitter @LittleMissVak of facebook - Facebook.com/LmissV :)

Lots of love,

Little Miss V..x

Spit or Swallow?!

There I was, lying by the pool with my friend, relaxing on my vacation to Spain last week. She was telling me about what she had been up to the night before with a sexy Spaniard named Roberto. She met him whilst at a bar. One moment they are talking, the next they are fucking. She told me that whilst it started great, it didn’t end as well as hoped.

Whilst giving him a blow job he yanked her head pushing it lower onto his cock, making the sensation for him amazing yet making it uncomfortable for her. Unfortunately my friend has an AWFUL gag reflex and as he did this she gagged, sat up and told him she didn’t like what he was doing. Fair enough he thought. However, she continued to nosh and he pushed her head again and WHAM BAM THANK YOU MAM he spunked in her mouth. Unfortunate moment number two. Instead of swallowing or casually spitting it out, she vomited all over him. A lovely mixture of her pasta arabiata lunch and semen. Afternoon delight. Not! 

Of course, I found this officially one of the funniest stories that I have maybe ever heard, she on the other hand had never been so embarrassed. I then started thinking about the whole “Spit or Swallow” thing and we got deep into conversation about it.

The average volume of each ejaculation is between one teaspoon and one tablespoon. That's about 300 million wriggly little sperm dudes at once. A spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, not the jizz.

I will be completely honest and admit that I am not a swallower. Firstly, Dr Dukan would not appreciate the intake of calories going into my system but secondly I find the warm, thick, sticky tadpole swimming down my throat thing a bit much, plus sperm burps are not the one! I also have found that guys taste different, and it is true when they say a man’s sperm will taste like whatever he has eaten. Clearly the few that I let have tadpole sleepovers in my mouth were eating dog food or curry! 

If like me you are not keen on swallowing then porn star it out. I have been lucky to have guys that ASK me where they would like to ejaculate. So just say over your tits and face. Guys love that, especially when you rub it in like its massage oil. Plus, true fact here, sperm is GREAT for your skin. It’s like a natural moisturiser. Trust me on this when I say if you have it on your face, your skin will feel like you are pre pubescent again!

To be fair, when you are giving a blow job, it is all about the attitude. Even if you do not enjoy it, pretend like you do. Men are usually quite proud of their penises and everything associated so make him feel like a king.  

I decided to ask some friends what they thought about the whole Spit or Swallow debate..

Jane: I usually swallow because it is easier than getting up and spitting it out. If you are in a bedroom you probably would have to get up to walk to a bin and that means having it in your mouth longer. Forget that, just swallow!

Anthony: I love it when a girl swallows. Makes me feel proud, especially when she has a dirty grin on her face after. Dirty like she is a porn star, not dirty like I taste rank. I think I would be offended if she spat it out.

Tom: Forget it in the mouth, I prefer to spunk on her face or tits! (ß my kind of man)

Nicola: If you spit it might go on the sheets and then you'll have to wash them, and dry them, and put them back on, and honestly I don’t have time for that shit. Obviously I am the laziest blower in the world.

Zara: No way will I swallow. It is just vile. 

Sarah: Apparently per teaspoon there is only 90 calories in it and it contains calcium and zinc and is a protein. So if it’s good in those ways I think you should just accept it and enjoy it. (ß control health freak anyone?!)

If your partner does not ask where you want it, tell him whether you like to swallow or not and if not, where you want it. It won’t put the guy off if you tell him you are not a swallower. If you are not sure what do or it’s an unexpected finale, just pull back and use your hands and let it do its thing. If you are lucky, it will be just your hands you need an antibacterial scrub for. Unlucky and you will have a stinging eye and a trip to A&E.. “umm no Doctor it isn’t conjunctivitis but it does sting!”

I would love to hear all of your thoughts and views on this topic. Email me at blogdoll21@gmail.com or tweet me twitter.com/LittleMissVak or go to my Facebook page facebook.com/LmissV

Little Miss V..x

STD!

A few weeks ago a friend and I took a ‘trip’ to the STD clinic. Just saying the letters S.T.D gives me the hibidejeebees!  We went to our usual one (not like it’s our local hang out or anything) checked in and waited on the uncomfortable, plastic, Chlamydia ridden seats.  It’s funny when you sit in one of these clinics and other people are there because you always try to work out what their symptoms are or what they have. 

There was one guy sitting diagonal to my friend and I and he could not sit still. “CRABS DEFFO!” I shouted to my friend. A few seats down from him, was a girl who must have been only about 16 or 17. Seeing a girl that age with absolute worry on her face was a bit disturbing but at the end of the day, we were all here for the same reason. 

Thinking you may have caught an STD from someone is actually a really disheartening feeling. Makes you mad at the world, or the guy you shagged for passing you something so vile. It is not often that I will have unprotected sex, unless I am with the partner but I guess this was a one off.

After waiting for about five minutes the 16 year old came over to me and my friend and asked if she could sit with us as she was really nervous. She introduced herself as Kelly and we chatted briefly. As she was talking about her college and her boyfriend and her lost oyster card, I started to get wound up and out of nowhere, it came out of me like word vomit.. “so what you here for Kels?”  She became embarrassed and went a bit red. My friend (who is very similar and loud mouthed like me) then asked her “Chlamydia? Crabs? Syphilis? Gonorrhoea? “ Kelly then said she didn’t want to talk about it, so I said “Oh come on, it’s not like you have a condom stuck in you or anything just tell us!”
Well, let me tell you, by the expression on her face, I was reliving her shock and horror! She did in fact have part of the condom stuck inside her and as she knew the guy she slept with was a bit of a player, she thought she might have an STD as well. 

Have you ever been in a situation where you want to laugh to the point where you are rolling on the floor in stitches but can’t because of the situation?! Well, that was me then.  Not only did Kelly have a suspected STD but she had half of the ripped condom stuck inside her. 

Lucky for me at this point my number was called and it was my turn to collect my goods. Oh wait, I’m not as Argos, I’m at the friggin sexual health clinic! When I had booked the appointment, I specifically asked to be seen by Brenda. She is a middle aged blonde lady who makes you crack up laughing even when you have a gigantic lubed up stick in your vagina. I had only been to this clinic once before but trust me, when your legs are high in the air and a random persons head is in your vagina, you need to feel comfortable with them! As I go to my room I am greeted by Dr. Patel, a short Asian man probably about 50 odd. “Hello there Miss” he said to me. I was in shock. Where was Brenda? Where was my funny blonde woman?! Why was there a small man standing in front of me? I told him that I had come to see Brenda but he informed me she was off sick and he was covering her. “Are there any other females I can see?” I asked. His reply was what made me comfortable with him.. “No, everyone is busy today. There is something about the month of June. We are always fully booked. It is as if people see the sun, get the horn and have sex time in the garden, forgetting to use condoms!” What a joker! Ok Dr. Patel let’s go! How wrong about him I was..

So he asks me what I think is wrong or if I have any symptoms. I told him exactly the situation and he asked me to slip off my underwear and sit on the bed with my legs spread and up on the stirrups. So there I am, fully exposed to a man I do not know. Usually, I would not be as bothered by this (if it were a different situation) but this just feels so cringe worthy and I want it to be over ASAP!

Dr. Patel informs me of what he is going to do and then stares at me. Well, not me, but my vagina. He is staring at my fanny like Augustus Gloop stared at Willy Wonkas chocolate river in awe. He looks up and smiles at me. Officially creeped out right now. Then he starts feeling around my insides with a cotton bud he and makes small talk. Is he joking me?! Is he actually trying to talk to me about the weather and ask me if I am excited for the Olympics when he is basically in my vagina!? When the procedure is over he asks me if I have ever had an HIV test. WHAT!? HIV? AIDS? This man is a next level asshole. What is he implying? He can tell by the look on my face that I am angry but then informs me that you never know what someone has caught and if you have unprotected sex you can catch anything. Well yes, I know that Dr. Smartass that is why I am sat here with my beaver in your face. Anyway, I agree to the HIV test which is just a small prick to the finger where they take blood and you get the results back ten minutes later. After that was done, I jumped off the bed, got dressed and went to meet my friend in the waiting room.

I told her what had happened with Dr. TwatFace and she gasped. Next thing I knew he was calling me back for my HIV results. “Don’t worry miss, you don’t have it.” Well thank fuck for that I thought. He then explained to me that if I had an STD the results would be sent in the post. If I didn’t receive anything in 12 days, I am all clear. A month has passed and nothing, AMEN!

I do recommend if you are sexually active, use protection. Even if you are on the pill, use a condom. You never know what disease someone may be carrying.

Little Miss V.. x

PS.. They managed to get the condom out of Kelly and she had Chlamydia!! Shame.

Sex Tape!

When someone says the word ‘sex tape’ you would instantly think of people like Paris Hilton, Kim Kardashian and more recently, Tulisa. To be honest, I try not to think of any them. If like me you have watched their sex tapes, I am sure you were disappointed.  

‘One night in Paris’  was Paris Hilton’s sex tape. I would rather have one night in a prison cell than deal with that (If I was a guy obviously!) Not only does she pout and make silly childish noises, she made me fall asleep with her fake rubbishness! Onto KimK, I won’t go into detail as it was also another boring sex tape. Tulisa from Ndubz just won her court case against Justin Ultra Edwards who sold a video he recorded on his mobile of her giving him a blowie. HAHA. I have seen babies suck their mothers nipples to get milk better than Tulisa can suck cock. This is coming from me, a girl who has been told she gives a good nosh and I believe I do, so to see the atrociousness of what occurred there, I was mortified. Why would he want to sell that? Was he not truly embarrassed that he was hard and came from that. Maybe he was imagining it to be Catherine Tate dressed as Nan in her programme, that would make a guy spunk more than Tulisa’s blow job!

To some people, being filmed in action can be a thrill. To others, not so much. I have come up with my own set of rules/tips for you to consider when making a naughty tape!

1) Neat and tidy

Not only do I mean having the place you are in to be nice and tidy but I mean yourself. Make sure you are groomed to perfection before you make a sex tape. You are going to want to watch it back with your partner and will be very annoyed if your lady garden looks more like Epping Forrest.

2) Relax

Nobody wants to make a sex tape with someone who is on edge. A sex tape should be natural and easy to do. You want to act as if the camera isn’t even there. So go have a large glass of wine. It will get your blood pumping and make you feel a bit naughtier than usual, meaning you might get a bit dirtier when on camera. 

3) Camera..Action

When making a sex tape, it is all about the camera. You can good recording cameras that you can stand on your drawers or even a tripod but the most popular choices would be things like webcams or mobile phones. You can still get a good video if you film with one of those but make sure it is YOUR camera you are filming it on. I made that mistake. I was seeing a guy for a few months and he decided to film it. Yes, I was basically like Tulisa (but I gave a good nosh!) He recorded it on his Iphone and honestly, I felt like a hot, porn star. I loved the thrill of him getting so turned on by not only me, but the fact he was filming me doing it. A few months later, we were over and he refused to send me the footage. For all I know, I could be a top hit on yourporn!!

4)  Lighting

I for one am not the type to have the lights on when I am getting intimate. I’m not saying I like to bang in pitch darkness but soft lighting would be my preference. As a girl, we have the insecurities that men do not understand in the bedroom (unless if you get a limp dick or sneeze when you come, I would be insecure about that) like cellulite or a wobbly belly, it does not need to be on show. I want you to concentrate on my lips, top and bottom. The same goes when you are making a sex tape. You don’t want your full bedroom lights on and obviously do not want it too dark so the camera can’t pick up what you are doing. Get some candles involved and dim a light if necessary. If you are getting candles, make sure they are scented as A) the aroma of scented candles is known to turn people on and B) no one likes the smell of sexual activities.

5) Have Trust

It is no good pressing record then your partner asking you to get into a position you are not comfortable with and end up having a fight on camera. Discuss beforehand what you are both comfortable with doing and what you want to see at the end result. Do you want her to sit on your face? Do you want him to come on your chest and face or in your mouth? Know what you are doing so you can get the best results!

6) Fancy dress!

Want to make the video but don’t actually want your face to be seen or want a disguise? Play dress up! Not only will it enhance all your wildest dreams and sexual fantasies but it will make the whole experience of making a sex tape way more fun. I’m not suggesting a gimp mask or one of those all in one suits that make you look like a giant jelly belly but something along the lines of wearing some sort of uniform like a nurse or police woman or a white dress and be Marilyn Monroe! Turn yourself into a Russian spy called Natasha and get a wig and do different make up.  There are lots of things you can try and experiment with. New experience makes things hot and from what I know, men love it when a woman is dressed up in something sexy. 

If you have any tips you would like to share or have made a sex tape and want to tell me you can either comment below or tweet me @LittleMissV or even email me blogdoll21@gmail.com

Little Miss V xx

Horniest Countries in the world!

Anyone who knows me, knows the exact type of guys I go for. The Italian Stallion, The Greek God or the Spanish Sizzler. Basically, a hot med type
.
While Euro 2012 was on it gave me time to look at the men in the different countries. Don’t get me wrong, I was watching the football but let’s not kid, I am a woman and I like to look at the hotties running around in shorts. I decided to do some research and look into some countries around the world containing the horniest people or who has the best sex.

Let’s start with the Greek God. According to a Durex survey, Greece is the horniest country in the world! Considering Mykonos is known as ‘The World’s adult playground’ this does not surprise me. I guess this stems back to the ancient days where Eros was named as the Greek God of Love (aka Cupid.) Unfortunately Eros had a tiny cock. (look above) I guess all the Greeks I have been with must be related to him then! So, if visiting Greece, take protection! (And I don’t mean sun tan lotion!!) Horny little fucks!

Over to Brazil now. Of course Brazil is going to be on my list, it is the birthplace of the thong! In Brazil, sex is as essential as breathing and according to a survey, Brazilians have the longest sex, lasting up to 30 minutes. With hotties like Alessandra Ambrosio and Gisele coming from there, you can only imagine what other Brazilian ladies look like. Don’t forget the Carnival in Rio which happens once a year, even your local doctor is out there shaking what her mumma gave her!

Want to join in with a massive orgy? Well look no further than Japan! The Japanese recently set a new world record with over 500 people taking part in an orgy. Imagine the amount of femfresh and fabreeze they would have needed. The sweet high pitched sounds coming out of people’s mouths would have given Mariah Carey a run for her money. Head over to Harajuku (not just a doll/little bitch of Gwen Stefani) a small part of Tokyo and you will find an insane amount of fetish fashion shops. Whips and chains clearly excite them a bit too much.

Just one cornettttoooooo give it to meeeee.. Sorry, there I was thinking I was in Italy. Well, let me tell you that with the rate they get on it, I would like to be. Clearly there is something in Mama’s spaghetti bolognaise sauce because the Italians are going at it like rabbits. Even the OAP’s are known to be youthful in the way they get down and dirty. As they say, “When in Rome, Do as the Roman’s do.” So basically when in Italy, eat your spag bog, cover yourself in olive oil and bang like the footballs going into Buffon’s goal!

 If like me, the sound of a man’s voice can make your lady bits quiver then join me in Espana where we can find men like Javier Bardem. A sexy latino lover is something every girl needs in her life. For the guys too, Jennifer Lopez would be on the top of the list. Drinking sangria and having a siesta really is the life.

Thailand is not all about full moon parties or Island hopping. No, it’s about having a quickie. Thai fucks are known to be the shortest in the world, lasting only about ten minutes max. If I was a bloke out in Thailand I think it would be that quick too after going down on your hot Thai chick to find out she is really a he with a gigantic pork sword. Ladyboy galore!

Paris, the city of love. Numerous amounts of people each year visit the Eiffel Tower to propose to their partners. You would think this city has the smell of love flowing around the streets. Mistaken. The French are known for their uptight attitude towards sex, or anything for that matter. You're best bet is to stay away, not only will you have the most boring sex in the world but a survey has found out that French girls are in the top 5 list in the world of faking an orgasm. Plus, they are hairier than a Turkish man running the portable kebab shop at a festival.

Want to visit a brothel? Head over to Tel Aviv, Israel as there are over 250 shops knocking around. This is interesting for me to read as that is my second home and I didn’t even know this. When I was 18 a friend took me to a sex shop there and I was sure I heard noises coming from the back room, now I know why.

Now look around you. Most of you who will be reading this will be like me, from England where the girls spend all their money on fake tan and eyelashes and the boys spend their time smoking weed or playing fifa. Makes you realise what a shit country we live in. Are the men hot? No. Are the women hot? No. We have a country full of chavs, asbos, caravans and fake Burberry. Eros’ small Greek cock looks so appealing next to an English bloke right now!